Patrick Wolf
K-Os
The Oohlas’ Ollie Stone [temporarily missing]
Jordan Mattos
Morningwood’s Chantal Claret
Joey Comeau
Imogen Heap
Mary Timony
Clor’s Barry Dobbins
Tegan & Sara
Mirah
Sondre Lerche
Sarah Slean
Peaches
Poe
Alex Borstein
Naked News’ Lucas Tyler & Brendan Tanner
Melissa Howard
Dan Savage, Lisa Kushell, & Lisa Kekaula
Ari Gold

Patrick Wolf
Interview by Brad Walsh

Patrick Wolf may have just sworn off public consumption of his music following a final show this November, citing the incident with his drummer, promotion-related stress, and relating that his music, videos, and lyrics are “[his] communications, not others.” But he’s not beaten down yet, and we suspect he’ll continue to make music, regardless of whether the rest of the world gets to hear it or not. Here he takes some time to explain a bit of his new record to us, and to admit a soft spot for The Dutchess.

Brad Walsh: Did you make a more concerted effort on The Magic Position to make a danceable track, given the indie club success of “Tristan”?

Patrick Wolf: In my teenage years I spent five nights a week on the dance floor, so much of the music that has influenced me over the course of three albums has come from the more hardcore electronic world of music.

BW: Do you think dance music is something you’d like to get more into?

PW: I don’t like to predict too much what corner I will turn next, I just let myself go where my heart will take me. I am on an adventure.

BW: How did you end up working with Marianne Faithfull on “Magpies,” and what was that like?

PW: The duet came through a small chain of friends. After writing the song I realised Marianne was the only one who could sing the part of the magpie.

BW: Had you been a fan of hers?

PW: I had been an admirer of her album Before the Poison, and after reading her biography Faithfull I knew that, personally, she was a perfect match for the song.

BW: How important is your image to the live presentation of your songs? How much does that matter to you?

PW: As I put so much time and love into writing and creating the music, I would feel very lazy not putting the same amount of effort into the artwork and videos. To make sure always that the visual tells the same story as the music. Like directing a film; the script should match up to the way the characters are dressed.

BW: How much of an influence do you think you have on your fans [image-wise]?

PW: I have not much of an idea, although I have a feeling people get inspired, hopefully to be themselves and not be an imitation.

BW: What do you think of the very first songs you wrote, and of your first album, now? Do you cringe when you hear them, like reading an old diary, or do you have an appreciation for them still?

PW: I’m very proud of my first album, it was a real achievement musically and personally. It changed my life and saved me from a lot of residual dark emotion I was carrying around with me at the time. It was about seven years in the making. Some of the songs I wrote before Lycanthropy I have on tape, and I play them sometimes to close friends and we have a good laugh at some of the extremely bad lyrics. Although I’m on my third album now, I feel I have only just begun to create the music I desire.

BW: Given how well-received your music is by other musicians (and artists of all types), it’s surprising to me that you haven’t collaborated with a larger number of people. Who would you like to work with, in any medium, in the future?

PW: I’m never sure who is supporting me and who is not. I guess that I just focus on making and performing music, see who I meet on the journey. There are so many that I would love to work with, it would be amazing to do more duets. I used to sing in the choir so I miss harmonising with people. I would love to sing with Joni Mitchell, that would be my absolute ultimate. Anyone would be a fool to not want to sing with Beth Ditto [of The Gossip], too. I do definitely feel like I’m given more respect these days than I used to, which is always a bonus.

BW: Who is your favorite straight-up pop singer, in the most bubblegum sense of the word?

PW: I think the champion of pop music has been Britney of course. I could list about twenty songs of hers that make me feel beyond any misery or depressive tendencies.

BW: What would you pick as your favorite ridiculous guilty pleasure, completely inorganic pop radio song, of the last five years?

PW: I’m coming round to Fergie now. “Glamorous” is the song me and my TV promoter sing when we have promo days together and I’m being transported around in chauffer cars and being given ridiculous free gifts from TV shows. I heard “Fergalicious” and it’s actually quite an avant-garde piece of music. Pierre Boulez would kill to make something that tonally discordant. I think the one album that wins, though, is Confessions by Mrs. Madonna Ritchie. The song “Jump” used to get me and my friends physically out of bed and out of being lazy all day at home to wanting to cause a mass riot dance party. Even my best friend’s cat Oliver would dance with me to it.

BW: What’s your favorite thing to do, and how often do you get to do it?

PW: To walk for days without any destination in mind. It’s like exploring the world on your own terms. There is a little spot that is sacred to me down in Cornwall that I like to sit for hours with sherbet lovehearts and Czech beer and think. I have not been able to do either things for a long time. The music has abducted me!

See our photos from Patrick’s show at MisShapes in New York from April 7, 2007 here.

K-os
Interviewed by Kerin Rose

K-os says that his newest album is his first real look inward, yet he remains insightfully opinionated on making music, MySpace, metaphysics, and fellow talented Canadians. I got to ask him some questions around the release of Atlantis, his latest masterwork, which is already platinum in Canada.

JunkMag: You’re a Myspace featured artist, you’ve got ring tones for sale on your website, this interview is for an online presence; you’ve obviously embraced the digital era. How have you benefited from the Myspace generation?

K-OS: I read a lot of metaphysics – there’s nothing really new under the sun. Myspace reminds me of when we collected cards as a kid. To say the digital generation is new – the idea of downloading music – it’s like an old thing with new technology that you can do even quicker. My idea has always been to just go out and meet people.

Artists are always the driving force between everything – Myspace is benefiting from us as artists. It’s always healthy for an artist to realize a lot of these new technologies exist but never allow it to become something that we fear.

JunkMag: Steve Jobs announced earlier this month that he wants to open doors on digital rights management, which would basically give music away for free. Do you think he’s onto something, or is he one crazy bitch?

K-OS: When I first started out and wanted to do my first shows I always left the house with a big bag of tapes. My mom would always ask me why I was doing that. I would tell her it’s because I can get it out to people and into their hands quickly and for free. My mom replied that no one will ever value anything for free. People work for their money and it’s them who decide what they want to do with it – keeps commerce in play.

Is being a musician a hard job to work? No. This is fun, but it’s not for everyone. Some people work really hard at it – it’s an income, a salary for tour managers, label people, promotion people, etc. Why do we think it’s something to give away? After MTV starts showing artists on TV with “Cribs” – of course people feel they can take music for free. They think the artist has it made and that they should and can take advantage of that. But not all of us have it made. People should decide if music should be free. Not one man. For me, I will always buy music. If I respect an artist or love the music I’ll buy it, no question.

JunkMag: Who are some of your favorite hip-hop talents to come out of Canada?

K-OS: Saukrates. He’s one of my top friends on Myspace. He’s influenced me a lot to the point where my style merged with him. Kardinal Offishall. Represented the West Indian hip hop culture. Maestro Fresh Wes. Godfather of hip-hop. “Let Your Backbone Slide” was a huge club hit in Canada. The Rascalz. Hip Hop from Vancouver. Similar to Pharcyde. First to have the four elements of hip-hop: Beatboxing, Graffiti art, Breakdancing, Rapping (MCing/DJing).

JunkMag: They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but I think the true window to the soul are the links section on a person’s website. You have a link to J Krishnamurti and his foundation. Care to turn JunkMag readers on to something new?

K-OS: When my ex broke up with me she gave me a book called “Freedom From the Known” by J Krishnamurti. She told me to read it and that he’s a lot like myself. I read it and it blew my mind and changed my life. It kept me sane in a sense – I was going through a big time in my life and it kept me on track. Still to this day I consult his books and have read every single one of them. I read a lot and transpose ideas that I’ve gotten from these books.

JunkMag: “K-OS” stands for “knowledge of self,” yet this is the first record that is really a look inward. In a time in the music industry that seems more ripe than ever for social commentary, why did you decide to look inward?

K-OS: Because I got bored of talking about what everyone else was doing. It’s easy to hide behind a platform but it’s more complicated when you hide behind yourself. To just be yourself – there’s a freedom in that. It was a load off of my shoulders. This album is really who I am.

JunkMag: When I try and find myself I usually stop eating processed foods and do something drastic to my hair. What do you do to find yourself?

K-OS: Hmm, I think I go into nature in Canada – into the Outback. Interland as they call it. I check out a river, sit by it and try to see how the city has affected me.

JunkMag: EMI just merged with Capitol and Virgin, and they’ve been firing people left and right. What do you think of the overwhelming business side of the music industry?

K-OS: As long as music doesn’t wake up one morning and say, “You are fired”, I’m chilling. And music is definitely a woman so I have to keep her on my good side.

JunkMag: The new album is fantastic. I love it. For any JunkMag readers who have yet to hear it, tell us in your own words why they should seek it out.

K-OS: Because when an artist takes a risk he/she usually does it because they’re more concerned about offering people something new than anything else – that was my major concern. I love records – love hearing new stuff, love record stores – you need something new. If I can step back from the album and look at it – it’s definitely from someone who took the risk with hopes that people would hear and want to hear something fresh.

Jordan Mattos
Interview by Brad Walsh
Photos by Isabel Asha Penzlien and Aaron Kreiswirth

Jordan Mattos is an artist and writer based out of New York who has garnered attention as an up-and-comer for his beautifully unique and original hand-drawn shirt designs. “I want more things to be hand-made,” he says. “I don’t like perfect design and super-clean lines that suggest they will always be there. It leaves me feeling very cold, and I think it looks plastic and store bought, which is the opposite of the aesthetic I’m into.”

Mattos was born and raised in Long Island City. “If I wasn’t a New Yorker I’d have a different point of reference, sort of like astrological coordinates, where a spatial relationship can affect us temporally.”

“We can ignore place and say it doesn’t matter where we are – that there is a recurring theme or drive in our lives – but the precise motifs that art is defined by are always unique to the varied compositions of who, what, why, when and where.”

A large part of his art results from when and where he unexpectedly happens upon something that will change the way he creates. The inspiration behind his children’s book, The Legend of Billy Blin, appeared to him at a circus arts festival in Quebec:

“There were a few stilt-walkers, but one of them was this beautiful kid with long hair, wearing a beat-up hat and a tattered cape, with all these feathers trailing off them. I thought he looked sort of like a fallen angel. I wanted to talk to him, but he didn’t see me because he was so high up there on those stilts. He disappeared in the crowd and I never saw him again. On the train ride back home to New York I just kept sketching him over and over until he became Billy Blin, the half-man-half-bird on stilts. Sometimes he’s young in the drawings, sometimes he’s old. Sometimes the bird face is a mask he can take off, sometimes that’s what he really is.”

Much of Mattos’ work is inspired by other media – his most talked about works feature images and concepts from various Fassbinder films – and “music,” says Mattos, “is [just as] important” when it comes to inspiration. “I compare it to a Ouija board. If you draw while listening to it, its particular vibrations will have a certain effect on the way you hold your pen and the way the ink comes out. I like to call it ‘séance art.’ Kate Bush is good for this. She always has a tale to tell, backed by a lot of Irish jig and monastic chanting.”

World music, too, is important to him: “the Trio Bulgarka, Lhasa, the Portugese band Madredeus, and traditional Colombian folklore singers like Lucia Pulido are inspiring for me to make art to.” Mattos describes the presence of music during the creation of his art as “very much a holy communion that’s taking place, [the] combination of sound and vision.”

Sidestepping the topic of celebrity clients (including indie fashionista Chloe Sevigny), Mattos says he knows celebrities “the way many young artists in New York know them, superficially and in the context of a noisy bar.” Many of these custom design clients would find Mattos as he wore his own shirts out to gathering places. “They’d come up to me and ask me if I made them myself, because they’re so obviously hand-made, and it doesn’t look like you can buy them in stores.”

Recently, middle-Eastern arts and culture magazine Bidoun commissioned him to create a series of shirts “based on their celebrities,” including Freddy Mercury, Omar Sharif, Googoosh, Christiane Amanpour, and others. “Margaret Brown, the director of the new Townes Van Zandt documentary, just asked me to do a shirt for the film.” Mattos considers this an honor, and says that “that’s the direction I’d like to go in. I’ve always been obsessed with film art. I’d love to do movie posters as a side job to making films.”

When asked whether he has hopes or plans to go forward with fashion or art as a career, Mattos replies simply that “I like clothes, but I don’t want to work in fashion.” He admits that he finds certain elements of fashion “seductive,” but he is essentially and “inherently a storyteller, and I wish this was a job people could still survive doing.” Though “filmmaking,” he says, “is what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid.”

The future for Mattos may even include puppets. “My boyfriend is a puppeteer, and we’re planning on making The Legend of Billy Blin into a multimedia sort of thing. Live music, circus arts, a book, toys. Nothing that looks too business-y, though. I like the feel of the Bread and Puppet Theater; it’s small-scale, ambitious in the right way, and earthy.”

Morningwood’s Chantal Claret
Interview by Kathy Cacace

“The first person to ‘discover’ me was Larry Tee,” says Chantal Claret, the charismatic lead singer of Morningwood. “I was working in Kim’s Video on Avenue A when I was seventeen, and he walked in and said I should start a band because I had such great style. It was pretty funny.”

The video clerk-turned-rock-and-roll-vamp has since strutted and shrieked her way onto the tip of everyone’s tongue. Comprised of Claret and former members of Cibo Matto, the Wallflowers and Spacehog, Morningwood has generated buzz as much for their talent as for their outrageous onstage antics. In an interview a few days before their album dropped, Claret talked about New York City, what it feels like to front a band, and how to fool the Wal-Mart censors.

Kathy Cacace: So, your album hits stores on in less than a week, right? What are you doing to prepare? What should WE be doing to prepare?

Chantal Claret: I suggest clean underwear (they will not be clean for long) and also extensive stretching. Otherwise, you will pull a muscle when you begin spastically dancing to the raucous beats that emerge from your stereo system. Oh, also, buy our fucking record, it’s awesome!

KC: Your sound has been called everything from “powerpop” to “the new shit.” How would you describe it? Who (and, maybe more importantly, what) influences your style?

CC: Our influences are pretty much solely Bill Hicks and Lord of the Rings. And our sound is like what a Roman orgy in the year 2006 would sound like—hedonistic and energetic, while reclining.

KC: Did you think that making “morning wood” a compound word (that sounds kind of like a ritzy suburb) would trick Wal-Mart into carrying your album?

CC: We already fucking tricked Wal-Mart into carrying our record! And Target! We don’t even have a parental advisory sticker on it! Guess they didn’t take the song about the pedophile babysitter literally. Thank God.

KC: Morningwood’s opened for both of-the-minute and truly legendary bands. Will you be headlining soon? Who do you think (drinking game rules apply—any act, living or dead) could aptly warm up a crowd for you?

CC: When the time is perfect we shall do a headlining tour all over. Right now, we like to make it special. I dunno, playing with Gang of Four was the most amazing thing. They are my favorite band. Getting to sing “Damaged Goods” and “I Love a Man in a Uniform” with them every night was one of the highlights of my life. To beat that we would have to play with ACDC, Motorhead, or Queen. Call our booking agent and hook it up. We also wanna play with hip hop all-stars.

KC: I was surprised to learn that such a New York band recorded their album in London. Why’d you cross the pond, and how was the experience?

CC: We love writing in NYC. It is a great place for inspiration, but when it came to focusing we knew we had to leave. Our personal lives are too hectic to be able to concentrate, so we went where we didn’t know anyone and could spend an exorbitant amount of money to record an awesome record.

KC: You were raised in New York City. Has it changed? Has it lost its grit?

CC: New York is definitely on the outs. I have been here since I was a wee babe and it doesn’t have the same energy it did when I was younger. Maybe I am just a jaded asshole (which is probably the case) but everyone seems to be posturing and posing these days. If they were before, they at least had the personality to back it up.

KC: Do you think the thriving music scene can help bring it back?

CC: I don’t think you can rely on rock music to bring it back at all. I think you need to rely on characters and actual personas to bring it back. All the great New Yorkers who are shining examples of eccentric, neurotic beauty… I never see them anymore.

KC: Your shows have a reputation for being particularly rowdy. What is it about Morningwood that invites orgy and mayhem?

CC: It might be the acid we put in the Kool-Aid. Or else, it could be the fact that we are actually up there enjoying ourselves and let that show. Our number one goal is to translate energy to our audience, be it hard, soft, sexual, angry, happy, whatever. We want to be honest with our audiences and for everyone to be honest with how they feel. Especially in NYC—where the crowds have a tendency to be reserved because they are afraid of what other people will think of them—a band has to pat themselves on the back if they get the staid hipster audience to bob their heads. We can’t stand that. I want movement, and blood and bruises. Anything, just feed us energy back. You can hate us, you can love us, just leave that fucking ambivalence at home.

KC: Is the role of a frontwoman different than a frontman?

CC: I think society thinks that there is a difference. But to me, there isn’t. I feel asexual when I am on stage. Not that I don’t feel sexy, but I feel like neither a man nor a woman specifically when I perform. I feel like a sexual being. My stepmother said I was like a Buddha with eight arms, and I always liked that.

KC: What’s the take-home message of your album? How do you want people to feel after listening to it, or leaving one of your shows?

CC: The message of the album would have to be ENJOY YOURSELF! and KEEP IT SEXY! People take themselves so seriously. Everyone needs to let go a little bit and if we can have a hand in that, then fuck yeah! We take our fun very seriously.

Joey Comeau
Interview by Kathy Cacace

Knowing full well that the most pretentious way to begin writing about a book is to make a sweeping statement about the cultural climate (especially a review of a book that is all about fucking shit up), I’m doing it anyway: times are tense. An even worse way to begin a book review is to strike the 9/11 gong, which I’m still going to do after this colon: since then, terror has taken on monstrous characteristics and vague proportions. Elevations in the Terror Alert level are as common (and colorful) as approaching rainstorms on Doppler radar.

It’s impossible to talk about a book like Joey Comeau’s Lockpick Pornography without first considering the way things like terror, gender, family values, and even the publishing industry are currently constructed, because every page in this grenade of a novel is written to blow them to bits. Everything is fair game to be smashed and reconstituted, from the boundaries of gender to the proper way to handle a closed door. This tiny, self-published spitfire also manages in turn to be funny, awkward and tender, all strung together with explicit, cover-your-kid’s-eyes sex and violence.

The first seven chapters of Lockpick Pornography appeared on the internet several months before the book began arriving, hand-addressed, in mailboxes across the globe. Comeau, also known as the wordsmith behind web comic A Softer World, posted his then incomplete novel (and a small Paypal donation button) online in order to raise money for his tuition bill. He and a friend later formed Loose Teeth Press, published the book, and distribute the copies themselves.

The DIY spirit behind Lockpick Pornography’s production is also a major driving force of the novel itself. Opening with the narrator kicking his boot through a TV screen and ending with haphazard kidnapping, the story unwinds in a series of home brewed, grassroots plots to save the world from heterosexuality. The narrator, his lover Richard, their friend Michelle, and her lover Alex, who toes the line between man and woman (and Richard and Michelle) comprise gang of subversive queers bent on redefining gender and sexuality by whatever means necessary. Their revolution, in its infancy, comes in the form of Jackass-style pranks pulled on unsuspecting heterosexuals at the mall.

As interested in distributing transgender children’s literature as they are fist fighting in the mall, the foursome evolves in small steps from radical activism to what could be called terrorism with the decision to commit a kidnapping. As the narrator moves through increasingly intense situations in the name of a cause that becomes less and less clear, the line between justice and malice, like every boundary Comeau presents, grows fuzzy. Is it justified to kidnap a hatemonger’s child? Is it right to slug a girl if she is tall, blonde, pretty, and benefits unfairly from her genetic advantage?

Is a woman not a woman if she has her breasts removed? Is a man a woman if he takes hormones to have them?

While Lockpick Pornography may serve as a wrecking ball to perception and expectation, it’s not all so dire. There are cartoon masks and one-liners. There are bits bound to be reenacted by teens in Burger Kings across the continent. Perhaps most importantly, there is the motherly stranger on the other end of the narrator’s phone, chosen randomly from the phone book. Throughout this kamikaze novel, she serves as a reminder that tenderness can be found, even in a disparate and hostile world.

Kathy Cacace: Lockpick Pornography is full of situations and characters that make right-wing organizations want to put a hit out on the responsible party. Have you gotten any kind of scary, “family values” feedback?

Joey Comeau: At first I got some pretty angry reactions from the far left actually. Like, accusations of “setting back the movement” and stuff about how anger wasn’t the solution. I think as the later chapters went up, people realized that this wasn’t a manifesto, it was a novel. I’m not the main character. Some people don’t get that, though. They get really angry if they disagree with the guy, and they turn that anger on me.

KC: If you could sneak your book to unsuspecting school children, or even their unsuspecting parents, would you?

JC: Oh man, would I ever. In a way, the Internet lets me do that. I get a lot of emails from 14 and 15 year old kids. Like, “Is it okay to mail you cash for your book? I’m queer and I don’t want my mom to know, so I can’t use her credit card. Will you mail it in a plain envelope?” or like “I don’t want my mom to see a book with ‘pornography’ in the title.”

KC: Do you send them the book?

JC: Yes. It used to freak me out a bit when a kid would write to me and tell me about their life, and their asshole parents, and what it was like being where they were, the Midwest, or Texas, or wherever. I don’t know what to say sometimes, and so sometimes that email just sits there unanswered. Or I say like “I’m glad you like the book, and I’m sorry your parents are fuckers.”
Also, sometimes they try to talk dirty, and I don’t respond to those emails at all. I’m glad they found the book, though. I wish I’d found Kathy Acker’s “Rip Off Red, Girl Detective” at 14. Or like, Dennis Cooper.
I don’t remember what I was reading at 14. Isaac Asimov, I think. Ray Bradbury. Those are good books, but you know.
Actually I used to buy those collections of erotic science fiction and horror stories. Like, the Hot Blood series edited by Jeff Gelb. That stuff blew my mind.

KC: You, like your main character, know how to pick locks. What’s the best place you’ve ever gotten into without use of a key?

JC: We used to climb up on building rooftops a lot, and we got up on this hotel downtown. There was a little building up there, with all kinds of pipes and machinery and such and there was a trapdoor on the floor. We opened up the trapdoor and it was a hallway in the hotel. So we dropped down into the hall and we all felt like James Bond. That was pretty cool. It didn’t involve picking any locks though.

KC: The quote that opens your book is from a 2Pac song. Did his music particularly influence your book? Which other artists informed your writing this novel?

JC: That 2pac quote captures the main character’s feelings pretty well, I thought, and I was listening to a lot of 2pac during the editing stages of the book. Elmore Leonard was a big influence on the writing style, I think. And Morley Callaghan.

KC: Why self-publish? Do you plan to publish your next books (there will be next books, right?!) as well?

JC: Putting the book out ourselves was Mike’s idea. It was just a right-place, right-time kind of deal. We were on this month-long road trip all over the United States, and in between cities we just sat on the train and talked about THE FUTURE. You know, don’t stop ‘til we get our names on a blimp. Mike wanted to start publishing books. He published PINE magazine, which was awesome. Half fashion magazine, half lit mag. I had published the first 7 chapters of Lockpick online, and that’s how I paid for my tuition that year.
We both agreed that a place like Random House wasn’t going to take a chance on a book that a) was already mostly available online for free, and b) was fucking filthy and angry and queer as shit.
So we made it happen. Loose Teeth Books. And we’re not going to stop, either. We want to put out another book soon. It might be the A Softer World book, or it might be something else.

KC: You seem use the internet to your great advantage for promotion and distribution of your work, which JUNK knows more than a little about. Do you see web comics, blogging, and other online publishing as a stepping stone to more traditional publishing arenas, or as its own viable medium?

JC: The internet is awesome. It’s like with A Softer World. Emily and I wanted to do a comic and we wanted people to read it. So we paid for the hosting, which at the time was like fifty bucks, and we just started putting it up online for free for anyone to read. And people started reading it.
The Internet won’t replace books or magazines, but there’s a lot of stuff that it makes possible. Good, fun stuff!

KC: So, will there be a totally ass-kicking book tour?

JC: That’s the plan. Actually, right now it’s looking like two book tours. Maybe an East Coast tour and then an everything else tour. I’ll be sleeping on couches and I’ll probably get murdered at least twice. When I went across country with Mike, we covered like 17,000 miles of track. It was insane, and I don’t know if I’m up for doing that all at once again. It’s hard on the system.

KC: I’m going to draw on a vintage JUNK question here. Given the amount of punching that goes on in your novel, I’m curious: have you ever been in a fistfight?

JC: When we were Kansas, Mike and I were fighting on the side of the road, and the cops showed up out of nowhere. We actually have this exchange on tape somewhere. We’re drunk, and the cops are asking us questions. They get our ID and Mike and I keep saying, “No, it’s cool, we’re like best friends.”
“You don’t look too friendly a minute ago,” the cop says.
“We’re from Canada.”
That was our excuse for everything on that trip.
I hate violence. But fist fighting with your friends is something else entirely. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like that feeling you get when you trip and smash your face on the ground. It’s like being high. Your body starts feeding you adrenaline and you feel invincible.

Imogen Heap
Interview by Brad Walsh

Imogen Heap has been compared to just about every female who’s put out a record in the last twenty years, but it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly why her sound is so familiar. She certainly doesn’t sound like anybody else, and her presence is shocking; she’s a rather stunning, tall lady with facial features that enunciate. One listen to her newest release, Speak For Yourself, makes it clear that this is a legend in progress, and that the beauty of her 2002 side project (Frou Frou’s hit album Details) did not lie solely in the contributions of producer Guy Sigsworth. Heap’s own production, layering, and ear for variation make Speak For Yourself one of the most captivating releases of 2005. I won’t get too entirely James Lipton, but if someone as dismissible as Chantal Kreviazuk was able score loads of mainstream radio play, how has the infinitely more interesting and inventive – yet just as universally palatable – Imogen Heap not yet?

Imogen Heap: So, you saw us [Frou Frou] at the Borders [book store] in New York?

Brad Walsh: Yeah. Borders was different than a full show.

IH: Yeah, it was very different. I mean, live, I had a lot of the gear which I’m using now. I sample my voice as I go along, and I have foot pedals and things attached. Trying to use as many things as possible do as many things as possible, that’s what I like to do. Never makes my life easy on stage. So I record myself, sample, and create harmonies. Now, what I’m doing live is kind of the same thing, but I’m also sampling other instruments that I’m playing on stage. And I have this kind of party piece with me, a red strap-on Casio keyboard, and I strut my stuff with it.

BW: What’s the tour that you are coming off of now?

IH: Oh it’s an absolute blast. A bit too much fun, actually. I’m the princess that walks on stage and lights fairy lights with all my flashing toys. I have an oversize toy piano, like a thumb piano, a kalimba. And then we’ve got Butch Walker, who’s full on in-your-face rock and roll, and this great guy Jim Bianco. I really, really like him. He’s got a kind of gruff voice, very sexual; all his songs are about sex. I don’t like to compare people, though I’m sure he won’t mind, but he’s a bit Tom Waits-y. Lots of kind of pocket trumpet and clarinet and accordions and cool, cool orchestrations. And then we’ve got Cary Brothers, who’s also on the Garden State soundtrack with me, and he’s a little bit more mellow with great anthemic songs. We’ve picked up people along the way. The other day in Chicago we played with Rachael Yamagata, and in LA there were some shows with Gary Jules. We all got on stage last night for the first time and did a KISS song, because we were in Minneapolis and we were in his club!

BW: So, I got one of those promo tapes of yours back in the 90s that was labeled with a sticker that said “The New Tori Amos” in giant letters – which I think they must have just slapped on there because the song titles included the words “religion” and “boy” – and this year you were supposed to open for her on tour. What happened that made you have to cancel that?

IH: Basically, I was offered the tour when I was making a video in LA, and I was very excited. I was like, “wow, that’s an amazing tour to get.” But see, I didn’t actually say “yes” to the tour. I was kind of like, “I really want to do it.” For me, personally, the answer was yes. But I had to wait until I signed a deal in the States, because I couldn’t fund it. I couldn’t come over there and fund it myself, and I needed promo around, and it would have been a total waste of time if I didn’t have all that set up, you know?

BW: Right, of course.

IH: And it was going to be really expensive, because she wanted a band. She wanted me to not come on there and play piano…

BW: She wanted you to not play piano during your set?!

IH: Not just piano, basically, because it’s particularly exciting for her audience for her [to appear solo with a piano]. My solo show is kind of on the piano, but it’s also sampling myself and using my laptop, using all of these other beatboxes and weird bits of gear. So it wouldn’t have been like hers. But I think she wanted a band, to come on a bit different, which I was very cool with and would’ve done. But I just hadn’t signed a deal in time, and I couldn’t. It kept going on and on and on and I wasn’t prepared to rush a deal because of that. I wanted to get the deal right, and I did get the deal right.

BW: Well that’s perfect, then.

IH: I felt bad, but I never actually confirmed it. They kind of went ahead and put me all in the papers, and even for the last few shows I was still advertised in papers as doing a show. So I feel like I let those people down, but it really wasn’t my fault.

BW: I actually just saw a television commercial that had your name on it for her tour.

IH: Yeah, that’s real nice. But you know, free publicity. And maybe it’ll just make people who haven’t heard of Imogen Heap kind of go “ah?”

BW: Except they mispronounced your name on the commercial.

IH: Oh, did they pronounce it “eye-ma-gene?” I get a lot of mispronunciation!

BW: Have you gotten a lot of fan remixes of “Hide and Seek” sent in, since it’s just vocal?

IH: Oh, a ton of mixes. Oh my God, yes. When it first came out I was actually getting one a day. I’ve got probably twenty remixes. Some of them are good, and some of them are really bad. One thing about people remixing is that I want it to still feel like me. I want it to still have some musical reference to what I do.

BW: You’ve had a lot of songs on soundtracks – Garden State, Shrek, The OC, all that – how do you feel about having those one-off ties? Like how “Let Go” will remind people of Zach Braff and Natalie Portman. It’s got to be strange.

IH: I just think it’s the best thing, because if it hadn’t been for Garden State a hundred thousand people wouldn’t have bought the Details record. Unless you’re one of those few that get heavy rotation on radio, you know… I’m trying to farm my songs out to every single film, TV advert, everything, because I think that that is the way that one needs to get the people: when they’re unaware and they’re watching a great movie, and they hear this song. They’re not being force-fed anything, they’re watching a movie. They’re not being sold something, like they are on the radio. If you’re listening, and you’re sitting and relaxing in a film and you hear this piece of music and you like it, you get really excited and you’ve been nicely surprised by something beautiful. I’m sure people will always remember that particular scene. Thankfully, at the moment as it stands, you can’t pay for your music to be in films.

BW: Do you think that you’d ever want to do a complete film score?

IH: I would love to. I would really love to, yeah. Not in the near future, because I haven’t got the time. I mean, I’m not fooling myself. I know it’d be really, really, really hard work because you’re not only battling with your own muse, but you’re battling with a director who’s changing his ideas and cutting scenes and things. You’ve just spent two months on a string arrangement and they decide, “Actually, we’re not going to have that scene now, see ya later.”

BW: Yeah.

IH: That one really drives me up the wall.

BW: Did you write the songs on Speak For Yourself in the past few years, or are they a culmination of everything over the seven years since I Megaphone?

IH: “I Am in Love With You” is the oldest song that’s on the record. When I was touring my first record with Rufus Wainwright, I was going around America and I wrote “I Am in Love With You” on the road. It’s very different now.

BW: It’s so different. I love the new one.

IH: I’ve always liked the vibe of it. And I got to the stage where I just wanted to have fun with my gear. I’d just bought all my new studio equipment for my birthday on the ninth of September in 2003, and I kept stumbling because I was trying to write songs and produce and everything all at the same time. I just wanted to produce something, so I picked out an old song just to have a go at it and see what I could come up with. “Clear the Area” was written in June 2003, and everything else was written during that year of me writing the record and producing it all at the same time. That’s why it took a year, really, because it’s really difficult to do them both simultaneously. You know. If you can’t finish a lyric for two weeks, then nothing else gets done in the studio, because you’re the only person in your studio doing anything.

BW: Right.

IH: There’s this one song called “Daylight Robbery” that I started writing for an advert, because every now and then I get an e-mail saying “we need this kind of music for an advert, here’s the clip, and we need it by Friday.” So I didn’t really try to get it, but it was something to try out some new gear that I’d just bought. I did this really heavy guitar riff and put kicking beats behind it, something I wouldn’t have ordinarily done unless I’d been given a brief to do something for something, and I loved the energy of it. It kind of turned into a backing track before I even had written any lyrics. But I always had the title, “Daylight Robbery,” because it was taking up all my daylight. I wasn’t getting out and doing anything!

BW: And the lyrics came?

IH: I went up to my website’s message board and asked my fans to choose from three of my favorites, and they chose the synopsis of me cycling back from my studio on my bike late at night, which is what I do every night.

BW: That’s a nice way to decide.

IH: I don’t think I quite knew how difficult it was going to be, and I think if I did know I probably wouldn’t have started it. That’s not going to stop me doing another record like that, but it was really difficult not having someone to bounce ideas off. I’m so used to, you know, with Guy [Sigsworth] and Frou Frou, having that. If you reach a stumbling block, then you both sort it out together. So, I really, really did miss that in the beginning, until I could find my intuition, trying to get what I really thought about myself, rather than having to ask somebody.

BW: Do you think you and Guy will be making music forever?

IH: Yes, yes.

BW: I read that one of the new Britney Spears songs he produced has your backing vocals on it still.

IH: Yeah, we wrote that together. One day he rung me up and said “look, Britney’s coming in to do this song that she’s written, and the record company wants to have a couple of other ideas floating around to see if we could do something else, so would you mind just coming in and throwing some ideas down?” So I threw down, basically, the melody and the chorus and the verse and all that. And she loved it; she came in and said that was one of the ones she really liked, so that was good for me. Hopefully in a couple of months it might pay a few bills! It was good fun to do something, you know, for Britney. I didn’t actually meet her, but the thought of me collaborating with Britney Spears appealed to me because it’s so absurd.

BW: Yeah, it’s kind of two worlds.

IH: Oh, yeah.

Mary Timony
Interview by Brad Walsh

Mary Timony’s latest album, Ex Hex (Lookout Records), proves that she’s still a force in thinking rock music. Since her final days with the band Helium she’s put out three solo albums so incredibly her own and downright “indie” that we suspect she may very well be Ian Svenonius in a cat mask. Here Mary discusses her new return to an older sound.

Brad Walsh: Some people have described Ex Hex as a return to grittier rock for you, claiming that The Golden Dove was more in the airy/experimental rock vein of Helium than any of your other solo work. Do you agree with that?

Mary Timony: Yeah, I think so. I just wanted the record to be more up-tempo and fun, really. I didn’t want it to be as dark.

BW: What were you listening to when you were writing and recording Ex Hex?

MT: A lot of College radio in Boston, at this awful job I had sending out boxes of toys for a toy inventor. Local Boston bands, too; a lot of experimental sound-art-type stuff; and bands that would come through Boston and play at my friend’s art space, The Berwick.

BW: How did you and Devin Ocampo hook up for this album?

MT: Devin and I met through Amy Domingues, who has also played with me. They were in a band together called Telegraph Melts a few years back, and they play together in Amy’s new band Garland of Hours. I knew I wanted to play with Devin when I saw him play drums in Garland. He’s a great drummer.

BW: Your recent live shows are different from past shows in that around the release of Mountains, the audience saw you move from guitar to keys to viola, and now I think it’s more of a stationary “guitar and drums” sort of thing. Is it difficult to translate some of the older songs to a pared-down live performance?

MT: Well, we make that easy by only doing the older songs that work with the new setup. So we really haven’t been playing any of the keyboard songs on these last few tours. I actually really enjoy just being a guitar player. I feel much more free to enjoy myself on stage.

BW: How did you come join the Lookout Records roster?

MT: We recorded most of the record before having a label, and sent it around to people. I had always heard great things about working with Lookout, and they were interested in releasing it, so it worked out and I was very happy.

BW: Do you think that being on Lookout has changed the way your music is presented, or promoted?

MT: It doesn’t feel like too much has changed. I feel like the same people who showed up to the shows last time came out for the tour for Ex Hex.

BW: Do you write much outside of songs? Could there be a book in the future? Or is there one in the past? I hope I’m not putting my foot in my mouth.

MT: No, no, not at all; I don’t really write outside of lyrics, and just a journal. I did a bit when I was younger, but I’m really more of a musician and a visual person. I guess I do have stuff that I have written in my journal that I like, but I would really have to work up the confidence to make any of that public in any way!

BW: What are your hopes/plans for the future of your music? Any collaborations you’d like to be a part of?

MT: Oh yeah, there are so many people that I’d love to collaborate with, I can’t even begin to name them. I guess, realistically, I’d love to start a project band here in DC with some people, so that when Devin is busy with his other band (Medications) I will be able to have other stuff I am working on, too. I like side projects because I always feel kind of free to do anything in them, and that really helps me be creative. As far as the Mary Timony band goes, we are doing a few short tours this fall and then concentrating on writing and recording. We may go out again in the spring for another US thing, but mostly I’m gonna try to write some good music!

Mary Timony’s Ex Hex is in stores now.

Clor’s Barry Dobbins
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Clor’s self-titled debut album mixes the rockiest of rock with the poppiest of pop to create a danceable stew that puts out more electronic spasms than a Madonna remix, yet still manages to fit with its indie rock and dance colleague records. It’s difficult to describe Clor’s sound without using the word “retro,” but the album is anything but novelty or opportunistic. Singer and eccentric Barry Dobbins and guitarist Luke Smith formed the band to play songs at the club they opened in London several years ago, and they have since evolved into a full-fledged recording and touring band promoting the release of their eclectic and fantastic album. Dobbins speaks to JUNK:

Brad Walsh: How would you say you fit in with the sort of synth-eighties-retro thing going on in indie dance music today?

Barry Dobbins: We believe that we are going beyond the eighties and will soon be approaching the early nineties. If we carry on at this rate we will be making contemporary-sounding music by 2010, and then the future beckons.

BW: What are your histories as far as playing with other bands and making music outside of Clor?

BD: We have all played in a variety of bands from all kinds of genres and each of us has developed special skills. We use these skills as and when appropriate as we make our way through the modern musical landscape, kind of like The A-Team fighting for “good,” and not for “bad.”

BW: Songs like “Good Stuff” and “Hearts on Fire” work together the rock and the electronic facets of the album seamlessly. Was there ever a point where you had difficulty combining the two, or flowing from one track to the next?

BD: Straddling the rock-electronic divide came naturally to us because we only had one guitar and one keyboard when we first started, so whoever wasn’t playing one had to play the other. I guess this was the genesis of the Clor sound… that, and our love of both Kraftwerk and Meat Loaf.

BW: What are your favorites on the album?

BD: I like “Dangerzone” and “Stuck in a Tight Spot” best from the album, for reasons which I cannot understand.

BW: The “Love & Pain” video is a really fun collage of crazy dancing and art and costume. I would even venture to say it’s in the same vein as MIA’s “Galang.” Who directed it?

BD: The “Love & Pain” video was directed by the filmmaker and artist Rachel Reupke. It came about as the result of a dance workshop held by choreographer Madeleine Rogers, whose work can be seen in bars and clubs around Brighton, England and who features in the video. The particular moves developed for the video where tailored to suit my limited abilities.

BW: How do people respond at your live shows? I imagine it’s difficult for a crowd to resist dancing to “Love & Pain.”

BD: The perfect response is frenetic dancing followed by loud applause and hysterical cheering. If this is achieved, we consider the show a success. Some particularly bold fans have made their way on stage to dance to “Love & Pain” in the past, which is also welcomed.

BW: Do you have plans for a US tour?

BD: Yes, we do plan to tour, although the details are to be confirmed.

BW: Do you anticipate a large audience in the United States?

BD: I hope so.

Tegan & Sara
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Tegan and Sara are queer Canadian twin sisters! And now that you’ve gotten over that, listen to their latest recording So Jealous and marvel at the truly extraordinary thing about the singer/songwriter pair: they write incredible songs. Bet a friend that they can’t listen to “Walking With A Ghost” just once in a sitting; it’s a sure thing. Infectious, haunting, fun, poppy, and moving are just some of the many words that can be used to describe Tegan and Sara’s songs, but not one word can sufficiently sum up their oeuvre. The ladies speak about their music, their history, and the confines of today’s pop world.

Brad Walsh: When did you first start playing together, and what did your parents think of your rock star dreams?

Tegan Quin: We never laid it out like a rock star dream, we just said we wanted to play music and travel and had not picked a career path or major for university. We thought it would be better to get some life experience before we settled in for the adult long haul. They agreed and are very supportive.

Sara Quin: Our parents were always supportive of our music. They bought us our first PA to put in our garage. But when we disclosed our plans to skip university, there were some intense discussions that followed. Now all of our family supports us and is proud and excited by what we are doing. I think the main thing is that we’re happy and challenging ourselves everyday.

BW: Are there any other musicians in your family?

TQ: A few people play, mostly classical and for fun, but we have a lot of music lovers in our family. Even my grandparents were having parties and dancing and buying CDs in the last few years. We grew up as fans.

SQ: Mom says she played drums in high school, but I haven’t seen photo proof of this. Our grandparents used to have bands play in their basement bar, and our parents were almost fanatical with their record collection. We were encouraged to dance in our basement; funny that we don’t move more on stage. Perhaps they were responsible for burning us out before we turned five.

BW: Do you both like to dance?

TQ: Sure, who doesn’t?

BW: Sara, you’ve said that Tegan is the typical single-writer (until “Walking With A Ghost”). What are the major differences between your individual songwriting styles?

SQ: Tegan generally writes songs quite quickly, and I will refine and guard my songs for months. I think we have different equations, our song writing is done quite privately, so I’m not totally confident she doesn’t set up in her bedroom and dance herself into a guitar vocal frenzy like I do.

TQ: Sara just takes more time and patience when it comes to writing. I want a song to evolve quickly and be able to record it and listen to it right away. It has only been luck to this point that my songs have been used as singles.

BW: What’s the biggest fight you’ve had with each other?

TQ: When we were kids we fought over dumb things like the phone and clothes. As adults we have more career and personality based problems. We have very different approaches, mostly the same goals for our lives and career but different ways of expressing it, and it causes problems here and there.

SQ: We have the same blow-outs with our band as we do with each other. You spend hours together in a room or months in a van and there comes a day or a moment where something unleashes in you and you take it out on everyone around you. I find that communication breaks down and you end up fighting to be heard or understood. It’s hard not to take everything very personally when you are dealing with art and your heart.

BW: Are you wary of being pigeonholed into a category of music based on your sexuality rather than your recordings?

TQ: More wary of being pigeonholed based on our gender, as the world still seems very sexist in rock, but either way a hole is a hole and we would rather have our music be listened to without concern for our gender, race, nationality or sexual preference.

SQ: Absolutely. But we are not in control of that. We are who we are, and ultimately our strongest protest will be to continue to make music and expand and challenge both the public and the media.

BW: Do you listen to much music similar to your own? Many musicians I’ve talked to tend to listen to more music outside their own genre.

SQ: I am not sure what kind of music is similar to us. I listen to all types of music; my passion is rock and roll and pop music. Bruce Springsteen is a huge influence, but these days I find myself attracted to a lot of indie rock. I love Joanna Newsom and singer/songwriters who are quirky. I also really loved the Blood Brothers record. I don’t get turned off of music very often based on genre. It’s a relief sometimes to hear something that is clearly different from you.

TQ: [I like] a wide mixture of all kinds of music. We listen to a lot of rock, but also alternative and pop and folk and dance. A big hodge-podge.

BW: Where do you find you have the biggest audience?

TQ: Right now, still Canada, but the buzz is growing in the US and the shows are doing almost as well there as here at home.

SQ: Officially, based on sales, Edmonton, Alberta. I even stole a pair of shoes from a fan and wasn’t arrested. I’ve finally made it!

BW: Is there anyone you’d kill to work with?

TQ: No, not that I can think of. We respect a lot of artists and producers but it is almost always better to admire from a distance rather than be forced into a collaborative environment with someone who you adore or look up to, in our experience.

SQ: I have ideas for a side project I want to start. I’d like to try and write with someone. I want to try and play a different instrument live within the band. Our drummer Rob Chrusinoff says I have good rhythm and I could be a drummer.

BW: Now with several albums under your belts, do you have any plans or hopes for taking on a project record, like a covers album or a rock opera?

TQ: Nothing comes to mind, but I am sure we will dip into other areas of music or our industry independently, eventually.

SQ: All I can say is: double album. And there is a versus involved.

Tegan and Sara’s So Jealous is in stores now.

Mirah
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Mirah’s latest album C’mon Miracle takes the eccentric folk she’s known for to a new level with its odd, magnetic melodies and studio distortions. There isn’t one track that feels out of place or unnecessary, a testament to the sense of purpose that her songs exude together. All of the upsides to being poetic with none of the pretension, Mirah is simply charming to speak to.

Brad Walsh: Your records are so thrilling, I think, because they combine really good folk with unexpected electronic components. Your sound is completely original.

Mirah: My favorite parts are the trucks and seagulls.

BW: How do you work in-studio, and where do some of your sonic ideas come from?

MZ: Dub Narcotic is a very ‘natural’ studio, big loft windows that let in lots of light, lots of cold and lots of sounds. It’s a great jungle gym junkyard to play in. Sometimes somebody leaves a plastic trash can filled with broken glass and we play it with a wooden stick. Sometimes somebody leaves a handmade hammer dulcimer and we try to tune it up and make it make the sound we want.

BW: Would you like to incorporate more of the distortions and electronic bits into your live performances?

MZ: Yes, but it seems hard and not really necessary to realistically emulate the recordings. It’s also sometimes distracting for me to have other people on stage with me, though I’ve experimented more with it in the last year. Honestly, I’m more interested in costumery than electronica but I’m kind of stuck on the practicality of one outfit per season.

BW: Why drop the Yom Tov Zeitlyn in your name?

MZ: I don’t like to have to correct people all the time! I’ve spent a lifetime hearing hopeless mispronunciations of my name and it gets un-fun. I love my unusual name, but I don’t need to make people say it, wrong, all the time.

BW: Who would you like to see run for president in 2008?

MZ: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

BW: Where do you think you’d most like to play live, and why?

MZ: I like to sing in echoey caves. I went to a wedding once of a friend who is the daughter of [artist] James Turrell, and the wedding took place in the crater of an extinct volcano which he had been in the process of transforming into an art installation of sorts. There were long hallways and arches and domes, and sky shining through different shapes left open in the ceilings. I liked singing there.

BW: C’mon Miracle sees you combining tighter production and more intricate instrumental work, but it’s still very much Mirah. Would you consider a collaboration with an artist who took you in a completely new direction, say if a top forty hip hop artist wanted you to give them a chorus similar to Eminem and Dido on “Stan?”

MZ: 100% yes. I’m all for surprises. One of the things Phil [Elvrum of the Microphones] and I discovered while working together is that we could each bring our unique musical senses, smash them up together and then a recording would form, shining with each of us, our special ways both transformed and completely intact. I’d love to try this with more people.

Sondre Lerche
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Sondre Lerche is a name that everyone in the know is familiar with in text form, nevermind that nobody in or out on this side of the Atlantic has any clue how to pronounce it. But rather than attempt a phonetic key here, I’ll instead direct you to his website, where he often posts candid blog entries that can provide more insight into his slightly eccentric, highly relatable demeanor.

Norwegian Lerche may have gained much of his US audience by touring with cult-following artists like Liz Phair and Jason Mraz in recent years, but his steadily increasing notoriety among music lovers is fully due to his catalog of almost-pop, almost-folk, all-original insight put to song. His latest record Two Way Monologue and its preceding debut Faces Down (the same name as his backing band) are coherent collections of music that (mostly) lightheartedly break down life and love. Mixing live band with electronic elements and the masterful vocal intonation and control that first cemented Lerche as an artist to be heard, Two Way Monologue presents a more mature speaker, and one that is well worth listening to.

In person, Sondre Lerche is every bit as talented, charming, and comfortable as his records would have you believe. His eagerness to talk to a concert audience as much as he plays his work presents an image of an artist who is truly excited to be doing what he is doing. And it doesn’t hurt that as much as his crowds are riveted by his songs, they are glued to his every movement. At a recent headlining stop in Cleveland he took frequent asides to tell stories, and to narrate his occasional use of nasal spray. Very few people can make sticking something in their nose sexy. This guy can make anything sexy if he talks through it.

Brad Walsh: Do you think it’s more difficult for a Norwegian artist to find success in America than it is for them to gain audiences quicker in other parts of the world?

Sondre Lerche: Generally, yes. In my case, no. America has been much more receptive to my music than most countries in Europe. I find that very flattering and surprising.

BW: You’ve likely gathered a percentage of your fans due to the fact that you’re young, attractive, and charming. But your albums are deeper and more involving than would fit just a cute flash-in-the-pan. Do you think that your charm lures most listeners in, and that they are hooked soon after? Or would you say your looks are more of an added bonus?

SL: I have honestly never considered my looks to play any part in my musical career, and it’s never been an issue until I came to America. Interpret that as you may! However, if such is the case as you suggest, I could not be happier.

BW: Are you interested in fashion?

SL: I don’t pay attention to fashion, but I do know what I feel comfortable wearing.

BW: What are your favorite things to wear?

SL: I like fitted clothes that are not too big. A lot of boys my age wear too big shirts. I could never walk around wearing that without feeling utterly uncomfortable and out of place. I like clean lines, soft fabrics, blue tones and, lately, grey sweaters. I wear a lot of Diesel jeans. And I just got a great hat for the oncoming season. It’s like a Norwegian 50s cross country skiing hat by Fred Perry.

BW: Who would you say is the most vital American recording artist at the moment?

SL: I find it impossible to answer that, cause it inevitably leads me to wonder, what is vital? And, vital for who? It’s like when magazines make those lists of the 100 most important records. While I often can appreciate such record’s historical importance, I cannot help but think that most of them don’t mean shit to me. But if you ask me (and you did) who is the most vital American artist today I’d say Steely Dan or Raphael Saadiq or Wilco, because I like their recent records.

BW: If you could have voted in the recent US presidential election, would you have? And do you think the outcome of the election would have been different if it were up to the world rather than America?

SL: Yes and yes.

BW: How often do gay male fans ask if you’re gay?

SL: They are usually subtle and discreet about it. Only once did a guy ask me, surprised to witness my answer. The girls are often much more direct and don’t beat around the bush when it comes to this and other sexually-charged issues.

BW: How many times, would you say, has one engaged in some wishful thinking in your presence?

SL: I wouldn’t know how many times fans engage in wishful thinking in my presence. It’s probably better that I don’t know these things.

BW: Do you feel there’s a difference between the world’s view of homosexuality versus the United States’ view?

SL: No. The US is as diverse as the rest of the world, in good and bad ways. There’s all kinds of people, but obviously it’s got a lot to do with your surroundings. Living in New York surely is different to living in, say, Arkadelphia, Arkansas. If you don’t live in a society or a culture where you are surrounded by homosexuality as well as heterosexuality, your view on homosexuality is bound to be more narrow than it should.

BW: Would you pose for JUNK? Most of our models stand around in their underwear for a little while to much appreciation.

SL: Sure, yeah, I’d do something like that. I am very proud of my tummy and I own nice underwear.

BW: Who would you ideally prefer to work with if you were going to have a visual artist create visual accompaniments to your songs?

SL: I’d love to work with director Michel Gondry who’s made tons of fantastic music videos as well as my favorite film of the year, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I also love what I’ve seen of artist Jeremy Blake’s work. He did some fantastic graphic artwork for my favorite film of last year, Punch-Drunk Love.

BW: If you were to do a record comprised totally of collaborations with other artists, who would you want to include?

SL: Sadly, a lot of my favorites are long gone, which probably is why it would seem so divine to be collaborating with them. Also, I’ve been lucky to work with a lot of my favorites already: The High Llamas, Milton Nascimento. Hell, I even opened for Elvis Costello! But I would want to work with contemporary folks who I don’t idolize to the extent that it would be impossible to do something creatively with them. I’d rather have tea than work with my heroes. Of contemporary artists, however, I’d love to team up with Cornelius, Raphael Saadiq, The Neptunes, Phoenix, Jim O’Rourke, Jane Monheit, Jon Brion, Lindsey Buckingham and Kylie Minogue.

BW: Are The Golden Republic [aka The People] also the Faces Down?

SL: No, the Faces Down are my dear, beloved backing band from Norway, with whom I have recorded both my records and toured on and off for the past four years.

BW: So how did you decide to have TGR open your current headlining tour and also play the second half of your set with you?

SL: This tour was to be a solo tour, and my label suggested I bring The Golden Republic, who are also on Astralwerks [Lerche’s record label], as openers. I knew those guys from my first tour in the States two years ago when we were both opening for Nada Surf, and as things progressed it just felt natural that we would do something together. They are a good band and fun guys and I enjoy playing my rock songs with them very much.

BW: A friend of mine tells me that “boy bands never die; they can be suppressed but will rise again like the phoenix.” Do you agree?

SL: I guess it all goes in circles. I sometimes refer to myself as a one-man boy band, so I do hope that there’s room for another one out there! There are good boy bands and bad boy bands. I am happy that the days of Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync are over. On the other hand, I do love the Beach Boys and even Justin Timberlake, so I won’t disown the concept totally.

Sondre Lerche’s Two Way Monologue and Faces Down are both in stores now.

Sarah Slean
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

It’s rare to find a record that transforms any old space into a private club in which you just can’t help but sit and have a drink, let alone to be provided multiple such records by the same artist. But Sarah Slean has delivered another high- and low-tide masterpiece of melodies with her latest, Day One. The new recordings manage to recall her previous work (including 2002’s Night Bugs) while rebelling in such a way that the material is fresh and unexpected. Nearly every media mention of her past recordings includes the word “cabaret” when referring to musical style, and while it’s an appropriate assignment, it fails to relate that the songs are never forced or unintentionally campy. In each of Sarah Slean’s works, musical or otherwise, it is clear that she is being true to herself, and that she is one woman out of her time.

For the conception of Day One, Slean ran off to a remote and isolated location in Canada and began to do what it is she does best: create. In addition to singing, playing the piano, writing, producing, and publishing; she is deeply engulfed in the world of visual art. Mixed-media album artwork seamlessly combines stunning photographs with Slean’s watercolor creations and other bits of collage. The complete package brought with Day One is one of ups and downs, though never of the boring kind. New elements take center stage at times, like the surprisingly appropriate guitars of first single “Lucky Me” and understated, driving beat of the pivotal “California.” Like Slean herself, the album is a warehouse of talent, and it is capable of capturing even the most choosy of listeners.

Sarah Slean discusses with JUNK her music, her opinions, and life at the continuation of a dangerous era.

Brad Walsh: Day One has a different feel to it than Night Bugs, which was more like stumbling into a cabaret lounge (there’s that word) and not being able to leave for the better part of an hour. On the new record there are pronounced guitars and many more experimentations with the rhythm section. What inspired you to move in these new directions?

Sarah Slean: Dancing alone to Radiohead’s last album in a cabin in the middle of a dark forest. The piano and our evolving relationship. It is the tool I use to translate music from my head, but it is also a mini-orchestra, harmonically dense, and doesn’t leave a lot of space. It’s a whole different painting when there’s empty space. So I wrote all songs with it, plotted and tweaked, and then took it away from the forefront.

BW: How was your Walden-esque retreat into the woods during the creation of Day One?

SS: My trip to the woods was not long enough. Strange how I had to shoe-horn myself into “being,” simply being. Understanding now as opposed to constantly plotting, planning, or regretting. Being that alone and stripped down forced me to be disciplined that way, forced me to be simply a human in the world, without names or attachments or expectations, just an organism with a handful of simple needs: music, food, water, rest, love, fresh air.

BW: Did you create the booklet images at that time as well?

SS: I did make all those paintings in the cabin, in that quiet; the blank I created by leaving all of my constructs behind. I heard all the noise of my struggling self. My unconscious barfed up all this blackness, and some explosive joy too, but man, the dreams I had up there… such strange images, such strange sadness. I vowed to looked at that anguish as a compassionate scientist, outside of it, rather than staying inside it and losing perspective. Make sense?

BW: Do you plan to make prints of more of your visual pieces available to buy?

SS: Indeed. The book that I made ignited a flame. I want to make a whole series, and eventually start selling individual prints.

BW: Who directed the “Lucky Me” video? It’s beautiful, and it captures the tone of your music so well.

SS: The talented Justin Stephenson of Toronto directed “Lucky Me.” He’s an animation wizard.

BW: How was this video shoot different from previous ones?

SS: The last video I did was in Cuba, and pretty much all performance. “Lucky Me” involved some green-screening, which was different. I’m embracing the acting aspect a lot more now; it used to feel so ridiculous singing to camera, but now I think of vaudeville and Tim Burton and Judy Garland, and it all feels right.

BW: What are your thoughts on the massive amounts of varying kinds of tragedy-aware American music that came after September 11, and did that day have an impact on your writing?

SS: That day was a rupture in the Eden of our “North American” lives… compared to the daily, relentless toil in other parts of the world. It is horrifying and unforgivable. So is the way we treat the planet and the world’s poor. But that doesn’t sell newspapers.

BW: How do you perceive the difference between being an American in America this winter and being a Canadian watching what’s going on politically?

SS: The borders of nations are peculiar, abstract things. Culture mixes and cross-contaminates and ideas travel without respecting those boundaries. There are people who have open minds and hearts, and people who don’t. I just hope that the balance tips again and we come back to humanism. Fully committed, practiced humanism.

BW: IMDB lists you as appearing as a club singer in the 2001 show Murder in Small Town X. What was the show about?

SS: I’m trying to block it from my memory, though it was beautiful to hang out in Eastport, Maine in the middle of some impressive storms with a pair of explosive experts named Greg and Debbie. That was a good time.

BW: If you were able to hear Nina Simone, Ron Sexsmith, and Britney Spears each cover one of your songs, which would each one be assigned?

SS: Nina Simone, “Your Wish Is My Wish;” Ron Sexsmith, “Vertigo;” and Britney Spears, “Sweet Ones.”

BW: Do you think radio is moving in a direction beneficial to good music that deserves to be heard by as many people as possible?

SS: Some days I do, some days its laughable. Quite like life, non?

BW: Some people feel that when an artist they love happens to find mainstream success, that they must have done something akin to selling out, and that therefore the music is no longer private and special. What do you think of that?

SS: There is a mythology ingrained in the Western consciousness that artists are the martyrs of their time, that they must suffer to be relevant or worthy. Nonsense. Joni Mitchell and Leonard Cohen were celebrated in their day. If artists tiptoed around, trying not to offend, to succeed, to be judged, etc., then absolutely no great art would get made.

BW: What is the best kind of sandwich in the whole world?

SS: Oooweee… I like a little avocado, some gouda, really summery tomato, crunchy dark green lettuce… wait, I know, the kind someone else makes for you because you’re cranky and world weary, and did they mention they rented a Jim Jarmusch flick for you? Here, wear my slippers…

Sarah Slean’s Day One and Night Bugs are both in stores now.

Peaches
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Peaches is the undisputed queen of electroclash; which, depending on who you talk to, may be over. But the innovation and success of her second album Fatherfucker (2003) helped cement her place in the world of danceable music. She is highly sexually charged onstage and in song, and notoriously good at pointing out insecurities in those she is interviewed by. For our little conversation, she decided that I would be “Herr Doktor” and she would be “The Patient.” What follows are the printable sections of the outcome.

Brad Walsh: Do you go by Peaches at home, with friends?

Peaches: Well Doktor, when I started this I wanted to use “Peaches” so that I could have a new identity, so I could be cool for once. And now Peaches is out of control. Now everybody wants to call me Merril. And as soon as everyone calls me Merril, Doktor, everyone will want to call me Peaches again. It’s getting very confusing.

BW: Is it true that you were once a schoolteacher?

Peaches: Well Doktor, I don’t have a teaching degree. I did what I wished was done to me as a small child, and that is to have completely creative learning instead of structured, linear learning.

BW: Where did you teach?

Peaches: In Canada. Toronto, Doktor. Really, I just want to be a kid. I have a question.

BW: Oh?

Peaches: Yes, Doktor. Do you think I’m more popular than flu shots? Is that possible? Can you help me?

BW: I think it all goes back to your mother.

Peaches: My mother?

BW: Yes, or my mother.

Peaches: Your mother. It all goes back to your mother. Did you date your mother? Is that what you said?

BW: No, but I blame everything on my mother.

Peaches: Are you a daddy’s boy?

BW: Maybe I would be, if I knew daddy.

Peaches: Oh. If you knew daddy. But you don’t know daddy, so you blame it all on mom.

BW: Sure.

Peaches: Maybe you should be lying down on this couch, now.

BW: So, Christina Aguilera–

Peaches: My name is Peaches or Merril, please. Stop calling me Christina, Doktor.

BW: Apologies. Peaches, did you know that Christina Aguilera says all kinds of good things about you?

Peaches: She does?

BW: In the issue of Rolling Stone where she’s naked on the cover. What do you think about that sort of thing? Is it a good thing?

Peaches: She’s a “Dirrty” little slut. She don’t know who she is. It’s a good thing she’s dirrty, but she don’t know who she is. Britney don’t know who she is. Those girls came from the Mickey Mouse Club. They don’t know what to do with themselves, what are they gonna do?

BW: Wear booty shorts?

Peaches: And Madonna’s writing kids’ books now. And it seems like she’s very confused on this new album.

BW: You don’t like it?

Peaches: I think it’s a quite horrendous album. I think lyrically it’s her worst work. It sounds like a fourteen year old girl just left home. Kind of sad. But I have a message for those girls. [Holds up a full-length mirror] Stop it!

BW: Now, here’s the typical musical influences question.

Peaches: Ah. Well, when I was growing up I listened to, like, Donna Summer and Run DMC, then I went home and listened to my brother’s Ramones and Who and Kinks. So I wasn’t like “disco sucks and punk is good,” I was like “it’s all good.”

BW: And you were singing N.E.R.D. earlier.

Peaches: Yeah, and I really like The Gossip. Do you know them? That’s my hot tip for the day.

BW: What do you think you would you major in if you went back to school?

Peaches: I don’t want to go back to school! I still have nightmares about not doing my French homework. [motioning toward other person in the room] You like that patient more than me, don’t you?

BW: Speaking of patients, we have a good psychology department.

Peaches: Psychology, that’s good. When I was ten my mother studied parent effectiveness training.

BW: Is that real?

Peaches: Oh yes. PET. It was the 70s. New ways of how to bring up your kids and let them make their own decisions. She just held it all in and said things like “KCUF backwards!” I went to college but I still lived at home. My friends used to come over and want to hang out with my mom. Doktor, do you think that’s funny?

BW: A little.

Poe
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Brad: How are you? Things going well at the moment?

Poe: I’m very well! Things are actually pretty slammin’. For one thing, I’m finally recording again. Thank God. My life for the last year has been like an episode of Law and Order, only the lawyers aren’t quite so pretty. Actually that’s not true… my attorney is a stunning blonde woman with a mind like a steel trap. I owe my life to her right now. I swear to God, not all attorneys are corrupt. Anyway, aside from sitting in court rooms hoping for made-for-tv happy ending verdicts (most of which I’ve gotten now), I’ve been concocting new songs, running up and down hills in Hollywood with a dog named Jessie, and yeah, reading a few books. I’m in the middle of a book called The Wind Up Bird Chronicle by Murakami, and I’m also sort of editing a new book for a friend of mine. I can’t tell you much about that yet, but it’s brutal writing for brutal times, written by a brutal author from Oklahoma. It’s a way from being finished, but I’ll keep you posted on that, ‘cause you have got to read this shit!

Brad: Can you explain what you’re able to of the aftermath of your split with Atlantic Records in 2002 and the subsequent label/management issues that occurred?

Poe: (laughs) How long is the magazine? Well, it’s tricky. After the last year, I’m always scared that if I say the wrong thing, I’ll get sued. And for that reason I wrote a little fable and posted it on realpoe.com. If you want the trippy answer to that question, just scroll down to the bottom of the news section on the homepage and click on the captain’s log. The non-trippy answer is this: at a very inopportune moment, it was brought to my label’s attention that they did not own my masters. Most labels don’t like to put up a ton of money and find out that, at the end of the day, they don’t own squat! I didn’t own the masters either, of course… hey, I’m just the artist who made them, right? But upon reading the fine print, it turned out that my entire catalog was, in fact, the property of this one lone dude. Well, as you can imagine, it meant nothing to my label that “Hey Pretty” [debut single from her 2000 album Haunted] was charting, and that the record was doing beautifully. Simply put, there wasn’t enough in it for the label to stay involved. And to complicate matters even more, though I was no longer under contract to Atlantic, I was in fact still under contract to “the lone dude.” Disentangling myself from that mess is what has taken so long. I am now free though, and that’s a great feeling.

Brad: Freedom to make music again! What kind of musical direction are you working toward for the next record?

Poe: God, it’s so hard to talk about music while it’s in the making. When it comes to making music, I’m like a whole bunch of people wrapped into one, and I’m always trying to integrate all these folks. First there’s the writer, then the musician, then the singer, then the engineer, the producer, and finally the all out geek who likes to sit and edit drums until all she can see when she closes her eyes are multi-colored little computer generated wave forms. Maybe I can describe what they are up to separately. The Writer– I like to describe the process of writing as answering different kinds of phone calls. When your cell phone rings, if you don’t answer it, it goes to voice mail. When your own brain rings you up because there’s something it just has to tell you, well there is no voicemail… so either the phone stops ringing or you answer it. Conversations with your own brain tend to go on a long time, which usually means you stop answering your cell phone. Well, the writer has been engaged in long discussions with my brain regarding the nature of pain… but that’s all she can say right now because she has another call coming in. The Musician is recently obsessed with screwy piano lines that sound like they were played by children. Did you ever see the film Betty Blue? Do you remember the soundtrack? Anyway, Haunted was a very dense production. With this album I’m obsessed with empty space: making four sounds do the work of twenty. The musician also tends not to answer her cell phone. this is the one who doesn’t think much at all…about empty space or the nature of pain. Singing is physical, so the singer is fueled sensually and emotionally. She’s the one who answers phone calls from her gut, not her brain. She can be anThe Singer– idiot and has signed her name to some terrible contracts in the past. She would answer your question like this: laaaaaaaaa! She is very pleased right now because she found the most sumptuous 100% silk bathrobes in Chinatown for $20. So now she wears those when she sings. And incidentally, the writer wears combat boots and often quarrels with the singer! The singer answers her cell phone only when receiving a call regarding silk or cashmere bathrobes or pj’s. Very Hefner… but not. The Engineer is the listener, so she doesn’t say much. The Producer often answers her cell phone. And often makes calls as well, usually begging for resources that are needed by the writer, musician, singer… The Producer often has to tell the others to shut the fuck up and answer their cell phones. And finally, The Geek is trying to delegate as much as possible to the rest of the team. Recently the geek feels that at times tweaking every sound to the nth degree can rob something from the music. The geek is humble, and is feeling lazy and over worked. She is talking on her cell phone right now as she waits for her crashed computer to re-boot.

Brad: Do you think, at this point, that your next release will be as much of a concept album as Haunted was?

Poe: Call the writer.

Brad: How did your collaboration with Conjure One work out? Who contacted who, and how was recording for that project a different experience than recording for yourself?

Poe: It was actually thanks to my A&R guy at Atlantic at that time, an awesome guy by the name of John Rubeli. Incidentally, John Rubeli is my favorite person in the music business. Actually he’s one of my favorite people, period. Anyway, he sent me a CD with a few unfinished tracks on it, that Rhys [Fulber] was working on for his album. I put them on in my car, and immediately got all these lyrics and melodies running through my head. So I went home, tooled around with the tracks, put vocals on them, and sent them to Rhys. He loved them. As for how that production differed from my own…well, it was odd because I never actually sat in a room and worked with Rhys. I would work at my house and send the results back to Rhys on a drive, and that was that. It was a good experience for me because I really had to let go. I remember at one point I had done all this crazy stuff in a bridge of one of the songs, and Rhys called me up and said, “I like what you did on the bridge, but I don’t think it belongs on this album. It belongs on a Poe record.” I totally understood that. This was Rhys’ project, and I trusted him to make a great album. I just tried to give him the best stuff I could and let him take it from there. It was interesting for me, because Rhys often made different choices than I would have, and in the end they were great decisions. In other words, it was inspiring. It’s very healthy for me to give over the reins to someone else, especially when they are as talented as Rhys.

Brad: You’ve experimented with the “built-in remix” of sorts in the past (I’m thinking of the second half of “Wild” and the radio versions of “Hey Pretty”). Have your Conjure One collaboration and the “Center of the Sun” remixes given you an affinity for electronic experimentation?

Poe: I love ambient mixes that go on for days, and I also love great songs. So it seems natural to me that the two should be able to co-exist. Also, as an audience member at a live show, I love watching a great performer, but I also love the rave-type vibe, where you never look at the stage and you just dance and get sweaty and get in a zone for hours. Again, it seems natural that those two things experiences should be able to happen at the same show. In my own production, I always end up with these tags that just want to become built in remixes. With “Wild”, I just couldn’t cut it short.

Brad: On that note, might we see any other musicians or artists poking their heads in on your next release?

Poe: Call the producer.

Brad: Who would you most like to see pose in JUNK when we go big-time and all the celebrities are clamoring to be photographed?

Poe: POE!

Brad: I’ve seen a particularly large Poe fanbase in Ohio; where would you say you’ve got the biggest fan concentrations?

Poe: Did you know, by the way, that my dad went to Ohio State? Anyway, besides Ohio, I would say, judging from the shows I’ve done, that the top three hot spots are Texas, Oregon, and New York.

Brad: Why those three?

Poe: Well, Texas is full of people who understand the line “You can’t talk to a Psycho like a normal human being.” Oregon is full of people who understand the line “It was the longest unzipping of my life”, and New York is full of people who understand the line “Time to gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears.” Just a guess. Either folks in those parts of the country have really good taste or really bad taste. What do you think?

Brad: They obviously must have a more advanced musical palate. Explain, if you could, your ideas for releasing your next record. It’s going to be an independent type of distribution and promotion, dealing heavily with fan support, right?

Poe: Well, I’m definitely going to be releasing albums on my own label from now on. It’s called Repoe Records, and the first principle of Repoe is to rely on the opinions and support of fans, not of record executives. Atlantic not only didn’t pay much attention to fans, but often subverted their efforts to support their favorite artists. It was an ego thing and it never made sense to me. Among my fanbase anyway, I’ve met way more talented people than you might find at a major label, and they are driven by a love for music. With that kind of passion, anything is possible. Repoe may ultimately let a larger entity take care of distribution (I’m not sure I want the headache), but the rest I hope to do in-house. We’ll see. If you or anyone reading this wants to be involved, just go to realpoe.com and join the Repoe Man list in that forum on the message board. Anyway that’s like joining a private think tank. We’ll involve you in all the brainstorming that goes into re-inventing the way one can put out their music.

Brad: Would you, under this new method of record release, consider releasing a live album or a remix or b-side compilation? Or a pay-to-download EP?

Poe: All great ideas. I would love to do all those things. Let’s just say negotiations are ongoing.

Brad: What song do you listen to and wish that you had written?

Poe: “Life on Mars” by David Bowie.

Brad: What do you enjoy doing most, and how often do you get to do it?

Poe: That’s easy. Making music. Performing it, and hanging out with people at shows. Other than that, in LA I recently like getting jacked up on these frozen coffee drinks that they sell in Chinatown (I call them “crack coffee” ‘cause they’re so strong, and they put these really weird little chewy balls in the bottom called boba that you suck through a giant sized straw. Then I wander around Chinatown buying weird pop CDs from Asia that I’ve never heard of. A friend of mine is also teaching me how to box! Don’t ask. It’s just that I’ve so had the shit kicked out of me in the last year that getting my aggression out is a must. I sing the Rocky theme over and over banging on a bag and end up laughing my ass off.

Brad: What can Poe fans expect from you in the next year?

Poe: Well, you can definitely expect a new album, and if I have enough support, a long tour! If you want to help, I’m doing these auctions at the Poe store, and proceeds from that and the store go directly to fund this album, so that helps tremendously! And incidentally, thanks again to all of those who have participated in those. This album is getting made one note at a time, thanks to you guys! Pretty soon now, we’re going to take all my shit, print “Repoesessed” on it, and auction it. If you win an auction, you’ll be a Repoe Man (woman, child, or other) by proxy. After all, you really will be rePoeing my shit! I’d rather have my past in the custody of fans and psychos than at the Salvation Army. A little selfish I know, but what the hell, a lot of that stuff has a great deal of sentimental value to me. I’m entitled to see that it stays in the family!

Alex Borstein
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Alex Borstein spent five years as a MAD TV cast member and provides the voice for several characters on the animated series and soon-to-be full-length movie Family Guy, including Lois Griffin. She has appeared in several films, including Catwoman, Seeing Other People, and Bad Santa. It takes a funny and talented lady to pull off roles ranging from tollbridge troll to wealthy socialite, and Alex Borstein is one of the beautiful few who seem to be able to play any character well.

Brad Walsh: In Catwoman you played Sally, a sizeable role alongside Hollywood giants like Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, and Benjamin Bratt. I know you’ve been in films before, but was this one different?

Alex Borstein: Yes, this was a big budget movie with big, fancy stars in it so it did feel a bit larger in scope. But as we all know, money does not equal quality!

BW: Did you get to hang out with Frances Conroy [of Six Feet Under] at all?

AB: No, unfortunately our scenes were at different times. Wait, we did overlap a bit in the original ending, but that was trashed. So, we met, but that’s about it.

BW: Are there plans for a Catwoman II, and would Sally be reprised in the sequel?

AB: I have not heard about a sequel, but I’d do it in a second only to work with Halle once again. She’s such a nice lady and a joy to work with. I know that sounds like crap, but it’s true.

BW: Do you like Hollywood?

AB: Do I like Hollywood? The city? The street? The idea? Yes, I think. I had no drawbacks from working with big names on Catwoman. They were all great to me and easygoing on the set, so no complaints here.

BW: So Halle Berry’s no bitch?

AB: I wish I could say that Halle is a bitch, but she’s so nice and cool it would make you sick!

BW: What about Debra Wilson? Sometimes I think she could bite my face right off and not even blink.

AB: Debra is unusual, but I don’t really know her that well.

BW: Do you think Will Sasso is hotter as Kenny Rogers or as a retard in Best in Show?

AB: I find Will irresistible as Kenny. I’m biased.

BW: Who’s the most attractive man on stage or screen, and why?

AB: I think Gael Garcia Bernal is adorable. Other than that, my husband Jackson Douglas [of Gilmore Girls].

BW: How often do you make yourself laugh?

AB: I’m laughing right now at something hilarious that I just did. God dammit! I am so fucking funny!

BW: Who do you think is hilarious?

AB: I think I am hilarious! Just kidding… I think Seth [McFarlane] is pretty brilliant, but so does the rest of the world, right? I love Steve Martin and classic Albert Brooks, Fanny Brice, Sophie Tucker…

BW: Have you ever done anything stupid, as I have, in front of someone you idolized?

AB: I’ve never done anything stupid.

BW: I have a friend who was called a “poetess” once and found it belittling. Do you have any preference on being referred to as an “actress” versus an “actor?” Does that mean anything to you?

AB: Nope, I don’t care. It sure beats “asshole.”

BW: You have played several roles in your career, like Ms. Swan on MAD TV and Tricia Takanawa on Family Guy, that play with extremes of Asian stereotypes in America. What do you try to accomplish with those characters? Solely entertainment?

AB: Swan is based on my grandmother. She’s in no way a stereotype of anything, why do you see her as a stereotype? She is from a place called “Kuvaria” and is a ridiculous, pushy little immigrant woman created along the lines of Andy Kaufman’s “Latka” on TAXI. Is Lois [Griffin] a stereotype of women? Tricia is an Asian news reporter. From what I hear, they exist. Tricia’s voice is actually based on a voice I did on MAD TV as a news reporter; same stilted newsperson’s delivery.

BW: What kinds of reactions can you recall to your playing Swan?

AB: All good. Swan is great because so many people in the states are first or second generation and have aunts, moms, or grandmothers just like Swan. That’s what I always hear. It’s fun to find a common thread. One guy named Guy Aoki didn’t like her, but he’s a “douchebag,” as Sarah Silverman once said.

BW: Of Family Guy you mentioned that recording Lois Griffin’s part of the opening sequence and her season one basement bar songs was a less than pleasant experience, but the episode shows that you’ve got a great singing voice. Why didn’t you like recording the songs?

AB: Seth is a musical genius and a perfectionist, so it was always stressful to try and please him. I have no training and he’s brilliant, so it can be frustrating for both of us.

BW: What’s the greatest song ever written?

AB: ”San Diego Seranade” by Tom Waits.

Lucas Tyler & Brendan Tanner of Naked News
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

Naked News is a daily informational online and television program that has both male-feature and female-feature programs. The news personalities report world news, entertainment, and all the other standard news program staples… only they strip as they go along. These men and women have legitimate on-camera news careers; Naked News is less pornographic than entertaining. There is no sexual contact between any newscasters (including by themselves), and the eroticism involved is less voyeuristic than other online nudities: here they are speaking to you. It certainly gets people to pay attention; but, oddly enough, Arafat is usually the last thing one remembers of the day’s segments. Two members of the male program, Lucas Tyler and Brendan Tanner, spoke to me about their lives with Naked News.

JUNK: How did you get involved with Naked News? Have you been doing it since the beginning?

Lucas Tyler: I answered an ad in the local paper in Toronto. The beginning of the show was back in December of 1999, and they established a male version in 2001. I was the first male anchor to do it.

Brendan Tanner: I saw an ad in a Toronto newspaper, same as Lucas. I called in up for an audition and then chickened out.

JUNK: Have you had any previous TV experience, and was it awkward when you first started?

BT: Nothing like this! There’s no such thing as experience like this.

LT: No, none. I came from a history of finance. I have a degree in economics, and I was an investment advisor for a few years, then I kind of decided I was a little bit tired of it. I didn’t know Naked News would be my next vehicle. I’m not an exhibitionist. It’s really tough to be comfortable with your body, and doing that in front of other people. It’s a little unnerving.

JUNK: Do you have family or friends that watch the show?

LT: I don’t know about now, but they used to. It’s kind of old new for them now. When I first started there was a lot of media coverage, and it was kind of a big deal, so yeah, everyone was watching. Kind of weird, especially my mom. She was telling me where to put my hands, and I was like “Mom, quit watching the show!”

BT: Not regularly, but of course everybody has to check it out. That would be awkward… my mom used to watch the free previews.

JUNK: Do you wear your own clothes or is there a costumer?

LT: We have our own clothes, and some of our underwear is provided by a company out of LA called lovefifi.com, for both the male and the female show.

BT: Pretty much I can wear whatever I come in with. Of course I gear it toward the appropriate show.

JUNK: How many paid subscribers does Naked News have? And how many more do you think watch the free preview section every day?

LT: I don’t know membership numbers, but there are a lot more people that watch the preview than are members, that’s for sure. It’s a question of trying to convince these people to enjoy the full program. In the free previews they only get a very short clip. That adds a voyeuristic aspect to it.

JUNK: It’s just another level of voyeurism when you’re only watching a preview window of it online.

LT: Exactly.

JUNK: Do you prefer doing field segments or recording in the studio?

BT: Definitely out of studio stuff.

LT: The field segments are a lot more fun. Of course, though, we’re not naked. You can’t be naked out of the studio, but in Ontario women can go topless, so on our female program we have some who do topless interviews on the street. But as for the guys, we do a lot of street interviews with people, and it’s a lot more fun and loose.

JUNK: Have you ever had somebody really freak out when you’ve interviewed them and they’ve found out that you’ll later be telling their story with no clothes on?

LT: Well, everyone knows beforehand. It’s not like we surprise them, “oh by the way, you’re going to be on Naked News.” Most people have heard of our program, so it’s funny when their face lights up. It’s very odd to see some peoples’ reactions. I remember one time we were in the media room at an awards show, and our interviews were attracting more attention than other peoples’ interviews with real celebrities. Our anchors were getting more attention than the people who were actually there. So it’s got a good name. We can approach people without shocking them.

JUNK: Do you think that people you interview consider it more of a novelty or do you think that they’re mostly thrilled to be doing it?

BT: Both. Some people definitely consider it a novelty, other people are genuinely thrilled when we show up and do a story. I interviewed a dance troupe, a fledgling company you could say, and everybody was ecstatic.

JUNK: Do people often recognize you guys or the staff of the female show when you’re out, and do you have any crazy or exciting fan stories?

LT: I think everyone has a crazy fan story. But since the program is international and not locally-based, it’s not as popular in Toronto [where he lives] as, say, in New York. It’s not like a local TV program where you’re local celebrities. But I had this one viewer who got the address of our studios and was dropping off clipboards and gifts and posters and CDs. It was really odd, but he was a really cool guy. I met him at a fundraiser, and he came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. I knew who he was because he wrote in every day on our feedback critiquing every show. He was known throughout the company. I turned around and it was him, and he said his name and I was “oh my god, I can’t believe I’m seeing him in person.” But a very cool gentleman. Not a freak. He shows up, I’ve seen him a number of times at events… he’s gotten in contact with our executive producer a number of times and they’ve gone out to lunch. I believe he’s a lawyer. But I don’t think I have any really bad stories about fans or stalkers.

BT: I rarely get recognized, because I live in Toronto and as Lucas mentioned, most of our viewers are in the US. It’s a really nice balance to not be recognized by everybody as the guy from Naked News, but it certainly does happen. And Canadians are very different with people that they recognize. A lot of the time when I get recognized here I get a shy sort of smile or a tiny little wave of “I know who you are.”

JUNK: As opposed to the insane American screaming thing?

BT: You said that, I didn’t say that.

JUNK: Do you think the male version of the show caters more to women or gay men? Or, which group do you think is the one that watches more?

LT: It’s hard to say, because we don’t particularly target anybody. We know we have a gay audience, that’s for sure, as well as a lot of women and couples. One of our gentlemen is gay, Joshua, and he does a segment that’s geared towards the gay audience. It’s more like an educational segment, so in that regard I guess we do cater to the audience. And a lot of couples watch both shows.

BT: I would guess more gay men. We had a sortof fan night, and it was completely… if that was any indication.

JUNK: If you could do any other job in the world of television, what would you want to do?

LT: I think I’d want to get into hosting. Kind of like how Dean Cain does with Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, or some of the programs you see on E! Entertainment. Something along those lines interests me. I’m also producing both of our programs now, so behind the camera also has a definite interest for me.

BT: Write.

JUNK: What is your favorite CD of the last year?

BT: Cobblestone Runway by Ron Sexsmith. Canadian.

JUNK: Right, I at least know who Ron Sexsmith is, but only through Sarah Slean and Emm Gryner.

BT: Right, that makes sense.

LT: I’m more of a house/techno kind of guy, so I’m into a lot of the DJs that are out of Britain and the UK. A lot of the compilation CDs:Ministry of Sound, Ibiza, those types of things. Although, of late I’m really getting into Linkin Park. I like their latest CD, I don’t remember the name. Do you know?

JUNK: I don’t.

LT: Do you like Linkin Park?

JUNK: I’ve heard them on the radio.

LT: Bit of a rock and roll-rap.

JUNK: And so our readers know, are either the male or the female program looking for any additional people at the moment?

LT: Oh, always. On our website we have an audition section. We’re continually looking for healthy appearance, articulate and outgoing personality. It’s kind of hard to come by, so we’re auditioning on a weekly basis. We also receive tapes from people all over the world.

Melissa Howard
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

The terribly stylish Melissa Howard first showed her wild side on MTV’s Real World: New Orleans, and has since appeared on other MTV and BET programs, and as one of the mischievous cast members of the Oxygen network’s hidden-camera prank show Girls Behaving Badly. She also does stand-up comedy, judges certain high-profile drag balls, and has been known to jump out of a cardboard box dressed in a wedding gown to convince a delivery man that she is a mail-order bride. Melissa spoke with JUNK about the thrills of living the single life in California, and offers some helpful advice for those of us who find it a pressing need to get out of a bad date.

Brad Walsh: Do you still get asked about The Real World in every interview you do?

Melissa Howard: Yes, I do get asked about Real World every interview and every day. I don’t have an issue with it. It’s just become a normal part of my life. It’s like at some point every day at least someone will ask me what my nationality is, and when I say “American” because I know they meant to ask “ethnicity” instead, I come off looking like an uppity asshole. But I’m just answering the question they’ve posed. So when someone asks something about Real World and I say, “It was fun,” there’s usually an awkward pause as if there’s supposed to be more to it, and of course there’s more to it. It just depends on how much time I or the person asking has. And I still talk to some of the people from my cast.

BW: What are your thoughts on some of today’s reality shows?

MH: I absolutely love Making the Band and Showbiz Mom & Dads. With Making the Band, I just feel like there’s no way those kids could be any more real. Throwing a trash can at someone is real as fuck. Chainsmoking simply for the pure dismay of another bandmate? Real as fuck. Babs going on a blind date with Juvenile? Real as fuck. A grown man sucking his thumb in a meeting with Puff Daddy? Can’t make that shit up. And with Showbiz Mom & Dads, I can’t say I enjoy watching little children suffer at the hands of their esteem-less parents, so I won’t, but I will say I love that show.

BW: Would you have sex with Donald Trump for a hundred thousand dollars? Or a million?

MH: Yes and yes. You’re talking about one time only, right? Oh, a few times? Fine, yes. I’d take the million if he’s offering that up. People have done worse for a million. Did you see Trista’s pink million dollar wedding? Congrats to both of them. But damn. That poor husband man. It was just so pink. I’d rather get busy with Donald Trump for money than have an atrocious pink wedding for money. I could fall in love with Donald Trump too, now. It wouldn’t just be sex. I like his personality and I like his drive.

BW: I read on your website that you’re writing to a prisoner. Who did you pick?

MH: I picked a nice older lady that’s locked up for selling weed. I personally don’t think people that sell weed should be demonized. I’m just going to say hello, ask her who her distributor was… You see, I never trust telling jokes in this way. Sarcasm never comes through.

BW: What would you say has been the most fun you’ve had in the last five years?

MH: My trip to Brazil and driving my new car off the lot two days ago. Straight up luxury, dude. Both experiences had been a long time coming.

BW: What makes a guy a good guy, or someone you want to go on a date with more than once?

MH: So many things. It’s the little things. Punctuality. Compliments upon first sight. You’d be surprised how far that gets you. Open my car door. Good conversation, preferably not about Real World or politics, but only if he’s a Republican and likes Bush. If so, we’re probably going to start off on the wrong foot. Two bad conversations for a first date. And call me shallow, but he has to be kinda off and a little funny with a face I want to eat. I truly love to talk to someone who communicates with a sick sense of sarcasm. I like someone who doesn’t mind having his balls busted and is willing to bust mine too. I love reciprocation.

BW: Explain “Code Red.”

MH: Code Red is a system of escape I’ve created with a very good friend. If I go on a date and it sucks ass, I call her from the bathroom and she appears claiming they’ve found my birth mother so we have no choice but to leave.

BW: Have you gotten successful use out of it?

MH: I haven’t gotten full use out of it just yet. In the one case where I could have implemented it, I was walking distance from my home and I just left that fool where he was. Not even a trace of my perfume. Gone. Out. Bounced.

BW: Have you ever recorded or thought of recording music? Because I could see you pulling out a really hot album with some Fanny Pack beats and about a hundred “interludes.”

MH: I’ve been told by the guy I’m dating that I can “sang” …and you see, compliments, compliments. He’s a smart one. I don’t think I could sing for the masses though because my face looks crazy sometimes while singing. But bitch, put that Beyonce/Luther duet on and it’s over. I’m a singing fool.

BW: But if you decided to record an album, would you indulge me and call it Howard the Fuck, and wear big yellow shoes on the cover?

MH: Howard the Duck, the wonderful feature film that it is, was the bane of my existence as a child because I had to grow into these soupcooler lips of mine.

BW: But it’s so not a horrible idea!

MH: I refuse to answer this question!

BW: Fine! Music, though. The Yin Yang Twins. That “make your pussy fart” line in “Salt Shaker” …First of all, is that even possible on command?

MH: I know a girl, who is a celebrity kinda, that can queef on demand. It’s disgusting. But she also don’t wax her down there so whatever. Tomato, tomato.

BW: But why in the hell would they want that to happen? Maybe it’s just my particular aversion, but I can’t imagine it’s a turn-on.

MH: It can’t possibly be a turn-on, but then again there are fucking insane people in this world. Some people like bestiality, some people like peeing on fools. Dude, thousands of women lost their shit over Bob Guiney. I swear, all I saw was a man with Jheri curl, but these girls saw their future in his eyes. Weird shit goes down and people are turned on.

BW: Who is the baddest white girl in all of the motion pictures?

MH: The baddest white girl in all of the motion pictures is the girl that gives up her job and gives it to me. I mean, god damn! Can I get some work? Shit.

BW: What would you ideally like to do with your art? Do you still create very often?

MH: I’m working on licensing the images. You know, I’d like for my artwork to be on bedsheets and shower curtains in every dorm in the country. Dream big, man. Work hard. Look at what happened to Bob Guiney.

BW: What activity do you most enjoy doing, and do you get to do it often?

MH: I indulge in all things that I enjoy every day. I don’t believe in keeping good things at bay. If I want a petite filet, I go get it. If I want to kiss boys in Brazil, I’m out, though I never got to really kiss anyone. If it’s within my means, I feel like I earned it. Life’s too short to be eating wish sandwiches.

BW: What’s your favorite chick flick? The Color Purple or Waiting to Exhale. I also love all movies and documentaries and TV shows about the process of being a transvestite or sex change operations. Did you see that movie Normal on Showtime? Love it. So fascinating and complex. Alcoholic drink? A full-bodied Merlot. I love clinking glasses with a cutie from across the table. Classic movie or classic movie star? I was born in the late 70’s. My idea of classic is different. Friday is a classic to me and my kids will watch it and love it. My grandmama gave me that chain. Way to travel? First class airfare of course. I also enjoy car services from the airport to my home. Dream big, man. It can and does happen to me sometimes. Junk food? Lately it’s been Sour Patch Kids. Reds and oranges only. Clothing label? Not a label whore at all. But I am still working towards that whole set of Louis Vuitton luggage. Traveling in style is a must when you’re constantly doing it. Have you seen Ozzy Osbourne’s whole set of LV luggage, the square brown ones? It’s disgusting and I want it all. Euphemism for penis? I don’t get involved in nicknaming shit. I hate nicknames for dicks. They’re all dicks. Never cocks, unless you want me to go home immediately. Why do guys say that?

BW: Which one, Target or K-Mart? Target, of course. Eric Nies or Danny Roberts? I got love for both them hoes. New York or LA? LA to live, New York to visit often. Aunts or uncles? Don’t make me pick. Beyonce or Kelly? Beyonce all day, every day. Small purses or big bags? Clutches, actually. Fashion or music magazines? Fashion. Sex & the City or Queer As Folk? Never got in Queer As Folk. Weird, huh? Love me some L Word though. I hate Jenny so bad. JUNK or JUGS? JUNK for shazz. That’s two z’s.

Dan Savage, Lisa Kushell, and The Bellray’s Lisa Kekaula
Interviewed by Brad Walsh

I recently sought a writer, a singer, and an actor to answer several questions about their lives and careers, as well as some generally unrelated but nonetheless interesting bits of pop culture. Author Dan Savage, aside from having penned several books which comedically tackle love and politics, is the brain and digits behind The Stranger’s nationally syndicated “Savage Love” sex advice column. Lisa Kushell, best known for her season of sketch comedy on MAD TV and her current spot hosting Dinner and A Movie, has also appeared in several films (Legally Blonde) and is a regular on Comedy Central shows Crank Yankers and Reno 911. Lisa Kekaula is the terribly thrilling lead singer of self-described “maximum rock & soul” band The Bellrays, and also appeared on the latest Basement Jaxx CD Kish Kash providing lead vocals for the ecstatic single “Good Luck.”

All three had perused previous issues of JUNK before their interviews, and still agreed to speak with me. I was tempted to title this feature something including “Two Lisas and A Dan” and “Ponder Lohan’s Breasts” before concluding that that would be entirely too tasteless for a high-end publication like JUNK. So I mentioned Mary Kate Olsen instead. Read the results, and commend the subjects for their composure.

Brad Walsh: Who was the first poster on your wall when you were a kid?

Lisa Kekaula: Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5.

Dan Savage: I didn’t put any posters on my wall when I was a kid, because I wasn’t quite ready to be outed, thank you, to my Catholic family, my straight older brothers, and the whole gang at my Catholic high school. Had I been able to put up a poster, it would’ve been Sean Cassidy. He was so dreamy.

Lisa Kushell: Actually, the only poster I ever had was of Andy Gibb. I didn’t even know anything about the BeeGees or anything. I just thought he was cute, and someone gave it to me, so I hung it up.

BW: What’s the greatest movie ever made?

DS: Mary Poppins. I watched it with my son when he was three. I had forgotten how much I liked it when I was a kid, and how hilarious the whole sound-stage-filmed thing is. Julie Andrews is amazing, and some of the lines… I find myself saying “Kindly stop spinning around me, I am not a maypole,” and “If you say that again I shall be forced to summon a policeman” all the time these days.

LKush: Two of my absolute favorites are Shawshank Redemption and Defending Your Life.

LKeka: Casablanca or The African Queen.

BW: What is the worst musical trend of the last couple years?

LKeka: Any and all musical trends.

LKush: Stupid blonde girls who can’t sing. But my favorite trend happening is the return of the rock band!

DS: All of them. Hate rock, hate pop, hate rap, hate hip hop. Once Vicki Carr fell off the pop charts, everything went to hell.

BW: Lisa Kushell, did you ever get confronted by any of the people you impersonated on MAD TV?

LKush: I was only on MAD TV for one season, so I don’t think any celebrities paid attention. Besides, I only did Farrah Fawcett, Fiona Apple, and Alanis Morissette. Farrah was too out of her mind to care, Fiona had too many other things to be pissed at, and Alanis was so freaking famous, I’m sure she had no time to watch TV.

BW: Do you find it more strenuous to perform sketch comedy or to host a show like Dinner and a Movie? Which is more enjoyable? Which takes more preparation?

LKush: It is way more strenuous to do sketch comedy. There is a ton of preparation, and a ton of competition between cast members. You’re always struggling to get something on the air, and it’s exhausting. Dinner and a Movie is a breeze! There’s hardly any prep, as it’s almost all improvised. We just get silly and have fun. I can’t believe they pay me for it.

BW: Dan, what was the most surprising thing about having a son (or a child in general) once he was adopted?

DS: Before you have kids, you think there are going to be good days and bad days. The good days will look and feel like those happy family commercials; how families look when they’re shown going to McDonalds and Disneyland. Once you have kids you suddenly realize that the good and bad is mixed up in tiny fragments. You have a good eleven minutes, then you have a bad four minutes, then a good fifteen minutes, then a bad hour, then a good two minutes, and on and on. It’s gratifying but it’s a lot more exhausting than you think it’s going to be.

BW: What do you think of the Stanford professor (Paul Robinson) who uses your book as one of the texts in his class “Gay Autobiography?” Did you expect/hope that it would become a teaching tool in that sort of way? And what would you have to say to someone like my friend Kyle who has written term papers specifically on you?

DS: The Kid is taught in a lot of college courses, which is strange for me to think about, actually. All those bright young things, many in schools I wouldn’t have been admitted to as a student myself, being forced to read about the first time a man put his finger up my ass. I hope their parents never find out. Tell Kyle that I hope he got an “A,” first of all, and I hope he also got to write papers about more interesting people than me.

BW: Lisa Kekaula, how did you get involved with the latest Basement Jaxx record?

LKeka: They heard about me via their publisher and asked me to come and record. They didn’t see my band until last month.

BW: Are you interested in collaborating on additional projects of a similar kind? Or any ideas of a solo record?

LKeka: Collaborating is definitely a plus and an interest for me. It’s a mind opening experience. I am thinking of new musical ideas and new voices; whether or not that becomes a solo record, as of yet I don’t know.

BW: Having the jobs that you do, you probably travel more often than the average person. I’ve spent a lot of nights in cheap motels in the last few years while traveling, and I’ve seen some pretty strange things… like the place in Cleveland, Tennessee that put in every nightstand drawer one copy of the Bible and one copy of the most graphic fetish lesbian porn imaginable. Do you have any crazy travel stories?

LKeka: In Portugal we stayed in a hotel where every key opened every room, and the woman who ran the place didn’t understand English, so she just yelled loud and slow anytime we went to the front desk.

DS: I’m fond of the Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee, pronounced “fister,” of course. I stole about fifty towels from that place. Most of my travel experiences have been book tours, which are boring as all hell, so few stories. Oh, there was the guy at a reading who offered to come back to my hotel and get me high. I agreed, shocking the hell out of my media escort, a proper old lady who loved books. He said he couldn’t stay long, since he had to be in class tomorrow morning. When I asked him what he was studying in college, he said he was in high school, so I had to cancel our date, of course. Could you see the headlines? “Gay Man Who Wrote Book About Adopting Helpless Infant Arrested in Hotel Room with High School Boy, Drug Paraphernalia.” This all happened in Milwaukee, actually, so I would’ve been busted at the Pfister.

LKush: That’s a crazy story! I don’t have any like that. The only thing that sticks out in my mind is when I was lecturing about sex-ed at colleges. I did Queens College in New York and I stayed in this hotel in Queens, I don’t remember the name. Now, I’m kind of a germ freak. I won’t even touch the bedspread in a hotel without immediately washing my hands. Well, this place looked like it hadn’t been cleaned… ever. It was foul. It had a single bed, with sheets from the 1800’s, a carpet I wouldn’t walk on barefoot, a tiny, filthy bathroom, and a shitty TV. I stayed up all night with all the lights on and the television loud enough to drown out the sirens and yelling from the street. It was hell, I tell you. Hell! Nothing against Queens, or New York. I’d go back to Queens in a second. Just not to that hotel!

BW: Which is the best Spice Girl, and why?

LKush: I used to think it was Sporty, because, you know, she exercised and took care of herself while all the other girls were out partying. But now I’d have to say Posh, because she’s married to a hot soccer player.

LKeka: Ginger Spice, because she had the balls to leave a cash cow. Not that it was the smartest move, just the bravest.

DS: Posh, of course. I’d give both my kidneys just to be able to smell her after David Beckham fucked her senseless.

BW: What’s your take on